Recent reports claim that the presence of FAU Henderson High School students on the FAU Boca campus lowers the confidence of the rest of the student body. “They’re just too… motivated,” says FAU sophomore Chad Turner. “Like, a lot of them already took Life Science. How the fuck can I compete with that,” the self-titled ‘Frat Pimp’ asks.
FAU High School is a dual enrollment program that allows its 15-year-olds to fully infiltrate the FAU campus after completing ninth grade at Henderson. They can then take any class they want under the guise of a normal college student in desperate need of growth hormone supplements. “We should be informed whenever they’re in one of our classes,” complains Jewel Smith, a super-senior. “They should give us, like, a form to sign for our approval. That way we can at least be prepared when they make us look like stupid twats.”
This issue affects Smith on a personal level, as she recently had a close call with one of these smartypants. “I was getting tutored for my Liberal Arts Math class last semester. For three months I met up with this guy who would give me lessons and teach me long division, when one day he’s all like, ‘I won’t be able to meet next week because I’m gonna be taking the FCAT.’ What? The fucking FCAT? Turns out he was sixteen fucking years old! Like, what?!” At this point in recounting the experience, Smith began to cry. “I’m speaking out because I don’t want anyone else who is averagely smart to go through what I did.”
Undergrads will be holding a rally this Friday in support of sending FAU High students back to Henderson, “Where they belong.” Eight FAU High students have been asked to supervise the event to make sure the protest signs are spelled correctly.