FAU Loses Scholarship Funds in Powerball Bid

In an unfortunate act of financial misconduct, the FAU board of trustees voted to repurpose the Undergraduate and Graduate scholarship funds towards the nationwide Powerball lottery Wednesday afternoon. With the collective pot of the lottery totaling over $1.5 billion, the directors were confident they could purchase enough tickets to assure a “big win,” as described in Board Chair Anthony Barber’s official statement on the decision. While it is common knowledge that the chances of winning are less than 1 in 300,000,000, board trustee Dr. Christopher Beetle claimed, “Everyone needs to chill out! We did the math! The algorithm we developed shows us we have enough tickets to win this lottery, and possibly even the next one.”

With the Powerball’s close, and the trustees’ unsurprising loss, the board is expected to face backlash from the student body. The lack of the scholarship fund as well as the board’s yearly affirmative vote to increase the cost of attending FAU will make it far more difficult for many students to continue their studies. When board member Robert J. Stilley was faced with this concern, he responded with confidence that “[the board’s] yearly spring break trip to Las Vegas with the faculty pension fund always has a decent return.”