FAU Student Fails Swimming Final, Dies

On Wednesday morning, FAU Senior Hanson Grey tragically failed his final for his Swimming 101 course, thus leaving him to die at the bottom of FAU swimming pool. Grey is the first casualty of what many call the most intense course taught at FAU, where Coach Smith assesses his students’ swimming ability by overseeing them doggy paddle for a full five minutes. While many are disturbed by Smith and his arguably murderous course, the esteemed coach still takes great pride in all the work he does at FAU.

“When you jump into this pool, you better be fucking ready to put your life on the line!” screamed Coach Smith, sunlight gleaming off his Oakley sunglasses as he bit deep into a ripe apple. “I pride myself on being the toughest grader at FAU, ‘cause you either pass or die! No pool noodles allowed.”

At press time, Smith has reportedly been proclaimed Teacher of the Year. Dr. Kelly will soon congratulate him on his perfect passing rate and 100% SPOT evaluation.