Frat Boys Waterboard New Pledges, For the Kids

“Everything we do, we do it for the kids,” said fraternity Omega Sigma Alpha President Falcon Hawkmoon as he placed a wet cloth over a new pledge’s mouth. “Philanthropy is at heart of all our activities. Whether it’s a car wash, the dance marathon, or some Guantanamo-style torture, you bet your bottom dollar we’re thinking of the children.”

FAU has always had a bustling Greek life, but never before have students experienced such kindness from an off-campus fraternity. While it may cripple the lungs of a new pledge, it warms the hearts of the FAU student body to know that they have such caring individuals who love and respect one another.

“If we shotgun a beer, we always toast to the kids,” slurred junior Wallace Witherspoon. “We want to let the world know that we are always supporting the cause and fighting the good fight.”

“Here at Omega Sigma Alpha, we believe in the 3 K’s,” said President Hawkmoon, continuing to drown his new prospective Little. “Kids, Kegs, and Kompassion.”

“For the kids!” Witherspoon shouted suddenly, raising his solo cup and backflipping into a pledge that was struggling to breathe.

So who are these kids who have garnered so much attention from these caring individuals? What makes these kids so near and dear to the heart of this fraternal brotherhood? Is it the perils of a life-threatening illness? The pressure of poverty and need for school supplies? A lack of support in the foster care system?

“Well, I don’t really know,” gasped freshman Jacob Jeffries once the wet cloth was removed from his face. “But you best believe we are doing it for them.”