On Wednesday, local dream-demon and Florida man Freddy Krueger announced that he would be retiring from his annual fall serial killings. According to the renounced slasher, an FAU student’s recent dream involving the university’s campus was what led him to retire.
“I mean, I’ve never seen a dream as awful as this,” said Krueger, disposing of his brown fedora and signature metal-clawed glove into a nearby trash can. “It took place along a breezeway that was under construction, so trying to chase this student was already a pain. Things only got worse for the both of us when we got surrounded by rushing frat students, all with their disgusting high-society chit-chat. While we were being swarmed with questions of whether or not we wanted friends, my attention was immediately turned to the sound of a train whistle. Lo and behold, this massive face, terrifying yet beautiful, attached to the front of a makeshift train came flying down the breezeway. ‘Lane Train,’ students around me chanted over and over before I was run over by the manly mug.”
Rival serial killer Jason Voorhees claimed that he was dealt a similar situation with FAU students. “What’s fun about it if the students don’t even run away?” said the immortal killer. “It’s like they want to die.”
At press time, Krueger stated that he has “traded his claws for pencils,” and joined with FAU’s Counseling and Psychological Services as a therapist. “This Halloween, I want to bring screams of joy to the students who are screaming of horror on the inside.”