A spooky sighting has occurred on FAU’s campus ahead of Halloween–– no, it’s not a disgraced Owlsley snorting 30 lines of coke, a blood sacrifice, or even prolapsed asshole in the campus rec–– rather unbelievably, a ghost has been spotted at FAU! And not just any ghost mind you, as the ghastly visage was confirmed to be our very own Howard Schnellenberger.
Even more interesting, is where Mr. Schnellenberger was spotted––none other than Howard Scnellenberger field. Our eye witness stated, “He was taking a shit on the football field or something. It smelled like rotten dog shit. I was also 200 feet away and could smell his rotten dog shit smelling shit, which is pretty incredible.”
Now you may be wondering what even is rotten dog shit, but more importantly, you’re definitely wondering who even is Howard Schellenberger? Worry not, as I have done some intense research into the life of the dearly departed Schnellenberger.
Howard Leslie Schnellenberger (March 16, 1934 – March 27, 2021) was an American football coach with long service at both the professional and college levels. He held head coaching positions with the National Football League‘s Baltimore Colts and in college for the University of Miami, University of Oklahoma, University of Louisville, and Florida Atlantic University. He won a national championship with Miami in 1983. Schnellenberger also worked extensively as an assistant coach at the college and pro levels, including as part of the staff of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins. He is also famous for having recruited Joe Namath to Alabama for Bear Bryant in 1961.
According to my research, Schnellenberger was a big proponent of FAU having its own Football stadium back in the day. After years of begging, the University finally gave in––the year before Schnellenberger was set to retire. So, that explains why the apparition has decided to let loose it’s bowels upon the sacred turf, but how did he appear in the first place? Some experts here at The Hoot believe some kind of dimensional portal has materialized in the abandoned tunnels under the school.
But fear not dear reader, as #WinninginParadise is not merely a slogan, but the way of life here. In other news, 5 bodies were found buried in a shallow grave at the FAU Ecological Site.
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