Local Student Can’t Figure Out Which Side to Take on Latest Controversy

After hours spent researching and weighing evidence on all sides, FAU student Josephine Modelo couldn’t decide which side to take on the latest social media controversy, ultimately reaching the conclusion that she doesn’t give two shits either way.

From the moment she first saw the shocking, heart-wrenching articles pop up on her news feed, Modelo knew she would have to form an opinion. “The news broke at 6:54am on Monday morning, and yet some of my friends had written eight-paragraph-long reactions by 6:56am. The fact that I couldn’t make up my mind on how to feel by then should have tipped me off that I was in for a ride,” Modelo recounted. She spent the next few days reading every reaction post she could, watching videos, going to public hearings, even seeking out official documents to form an opinion.

“And then at one point I realized: Who fucking cares? Like… I didn’t care about this the other day. Neither did anyone else. I don’t need to have an opinion.” Others on social media were quick to attack her for not having an opinion, reminding her that “if you don’t have an opinion, you’re automatically wrong.”

At press time, Modelo announced plans to keep up her “fuck everyone” demeanor, despite the lack of a stance eating away at her every time she looks at a smartphone. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll have a stance on next week’s controversy. In the meantime, you’re all little cunts.”