Math Department Installs Nets, Closes Off Only Way Out

In an apparent last-ditch effort to curb their rising mortality rate as the end of the semester approaches, the FAU Department of Mathematical Sciences has installed nets around its main building for safety. “We have decided to put nets around the perimeter of the Science and Engineering building because as God is my witness we are going to have at least five students make it to May,” said the acting chairman of the department, the previous one having jumped off the building before the new nets arrived.

“It’s been very challenging,” admits Gerald Owen, a sophomore who is taking Statistics this term. “It seems like we’ve lost a couple students every week starting in late January. They would just get up from their computer, go to the window, and jump. They’d never say a word or leave a note. They wouldn’t even hesitate, really. It was their only way out.” Gerald says the only reason he’s managed to make it this long is because he sticks the point of his pencil into his leg whenever a hopeless thought comes to his mind. “They come often, especially after Professor Shang says words like ‘logarithm’ and ‘quantitative data.’ You wouldn’t believe how good that window looks after dealing with that shit.” Gerald is the sole survivor of his Statistics class.

So far, the nets have done their job and no one has lost their life from jumping off the building. One junior, who dived from the fourth floor head first, cried upon landing in the net. Once she was helped out by emergency personnel, she dropped to her knees and yelled “GOD IS DEAD” before returning to class.

After our interview, we got word that Gerald Owen slit his wrists with his protractor upon seeing the words “One Month Until Final” written on the board. Sadly, it seems as though his only way to escape Statistics was by becoming one.