Naked Old People Are Everywhere and No One Knows What to Do

Old people have discovered the meaning of Spring Break.

This shocking revelation became quite clear this morning, when the rising sun was met by rising, wrinkled penises. No one can quite explain why this came about, but at dawn today, old people began flooding the beach. And for some reason, none of them are wearing any clothes.

One Hoot reporter braved the terrible scene, wearing a blindfold and flailing around, yelling at people to answer for the aesthetic crime of being both old and naked.

One old man, whose name is unknown but whose voice is surprisingly smooth like silk, said, “I AM THOR, GOD OF SEX. GAZE UPON MY HAMMER AND DESPAIR.”

Another nameless senior citizen, whose voice sounds like a mix between a Teletubby and a squeaky toy, said, “I never got the traditional American Spring Break, because I was too busy fighting in The War of 1812. I just knew I wanted to have a kooky, naked good time.”

The shocking mob of naked old people has sent waves of shock throughout our terrified community. One of the most important developments is a shortage of alcohol.

“We just weren’t prepared,” Total Wine representative Anne McComb says. “At first, they came in buying the sorts of drinks you would expect from old people: wine, gin, whiskey. You know, the sorts of drinks that can help you forget how awfully racist you were before the Internet existed”

However, as time wore on and the old people wanted to have Spring Break-esque fun, they began taking whatever drinks they could: beer, absinthe, Jägermeister. All of it got swept off the shelves before 10 AM.

McComb says she regrets having let a bunch of old naked people buy from her, but she did concede that “what’s good for business is good for business.”

Frat bros, including FAU degenerates Falcon Hawkmoon and Eagle Sunbeam, are the demographic most hurt by the geriatric festivities. Hawkmoon and Sunbeam arrived at the beach just before noon, only to find naked old people feeling each other up, drinking excessively, playing volleyball, and making absolute fools of themselves.

“Bro,” Hawkmoon is reported to have said.

“Bro,” Sunbeam is reported to have responded.