Owlsley To Reporters: “Don’t Talk To Me Or My Son Ever Again”

Late Thursday afternoon after being crowded by a rush of paparazzi and university news network reporters, the normally happy-go-lucky FAU mascot, Owlsley, may have lost his cool.

The press, curious for information about Owlsley’s adopted son Hoot, crowded him on one of his daily walks, catching him in the middle of his routine pacing around the stadium aimlessly at the usual time. 

“Don’t talk to me or my son ever again,” Owlsley told reporters. These comments are hot on the heels of the demolition of what most likely was Hoot’s natural habitat by Florida Atlantic University, the very institution rehabilitating him. All this controversy has, most likely, “led to mixed feelings for Owlsley, who doesn’t know who he is anymore,” says University Private Investigator, Criminal Justice major David Finn. “The need to cheer for a team who may be directly responsible for the devastating urbanization of burrowing owl habitats has split Owlsley in two. One of my ‘eyes’ saw him at CAPS yesterday holding Hoot in one of those over the shoulder baby holders. He’s a wreck.” 

At press time, sources that wish to remain anonymous reported Owlsley is under psychological evaluation so as to prevent another public outburst, as “pacifying his mental distress through a mix of intentionally disorienting Rorschach tests and suspicious smoothies is in the best interest of the University.”.

As for Hoot, he is now being taken care of under the watchful eyes of the university football team. They have been carefully instructed “not to toss him around” and to “hold him nice and warm, but please don’t kick him.” 

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