President Kelly: There Will Be a Mewtwo at the Stadium Tonight, I Swear

At 11 A.M. on Saturday morning, FAU’s President Kelly held a press conference at the Baldwin House to entice students into attending the night’s football game, citing “owl pride” and “school spirit” as reasons to attend. But when these tactics failed to rouse his audience, he completely dropped his script and blurted, “There will be a Mewtwo at the stadium tonight, I swear.”

For the twelve people on campus still playing Pokemon GO, this announcement was seen as a major accomplishment for the university. Sophomore Eric Blayman said, “This is amazing. Honestly I don’t even care about the stadium fees in my tuition if it means I can catch a Mewtwo tonight. I’ve been waiting three months for this.”

Some students, like senior Jenna Fischer, couldn’t help but think about the potential repercussions. “It might work tonight, but after these fucking nerds find out it was a lie, they will never come back.”

Still, many are curious to see whether or not there will indeed be a Mewtwo at the stadium. Communications major Jarrod Stence, who is indifferent towards both football and Pokemon, chimed, “I heard this DJ is coming to the game tonight. Mewtwo sounds like he got fresh sounds.”

Unfortunately, the last-ditch tactic did not have the impact Kelly was hoping for, with over 28,000 seats projected to remain empty. But students should not be worried: while it is highly unlikely that the rare Pokemon will actually be at the event, there will undoubtedly be a plethora of Rattatas to catch.