Report: Graduating Seniors Purposely Failing Exams to Stay in College

Studies into the phenomenon of seniors failing their exams this semester have revealed that students have been purposely failing their exams in order to stay in college.

The phenomenon was first examined at FAU last semester, but with such a small Fall graduating class, there wasn’t enough data for a concrete conclusion. “I thought they just became stupid at the last moment,” said professor Ivan Valestro. “All three students in my Senior Seminar last Fall were consistently A-level until that final exam, so why else would they suddenly fail? It wasn’t until every student in my current class of thirty-eight failed that I thought something strange might be afoot.”

Faculty and staff have been trying to find solutions to this problem. They all admitted that college is great, especially when students’ parents are paying for them to “get shitfaced” every other night. They also admitted that with the alternative being a job market where employers laugh at those qualified and offer them unpaid internships, students are being smarter than the data would ever show. After considering all of this, approximately half of the faculty and staff have quit their jobs and enrolled at FAU, where they plan to use the “fail till they kick you out” tactic as well.

“Look, I’m in no rush to get a Social Media Specialist job. I already get more from grants to go here than that job would ever pay me,” said student Lauren Elmar. “Will I need job experience? Sure, eventually. But I’m only 25. Do you know what JK Rowling was doing at that age?” Elmar later attended three exams in a row, closely paying attention so she would not accidentally bubble any correct answers.