FAU’s problematic mascot has found himself in deep water yet again. Over the weekend, Owlsley threw a party celebrating President Joe Biden’s inauguration. “It was absolutely wild,” said Professor Andrew Guerrera, one of Owlsley’s old friends. “But then the cops showed up, citing noise complaints. I told them I have a Ph.D in acoustic engineering and that my ears were worth more than their lives. They said ‘Oy is that right then,’ and I said ‘yeah, and if I have to hear you all bitch a second more, I’ll cut my fucking ears off right now.’ That’s when things got serious.”
The police then reportedly stormed Owlsley’s “Den”– a lofty 10 bedroom mansion that sits on a private beach– and cleared out the guests. When the smoke cleared — we’re talking pot, cigarette, juul, hookah, helium, opium, phencyclidine, and dimethyltrytamine — the cops were shocked to find 10lbs of cocaine hurriedly stuffed in various places throughout the house.
When questioned, Owlsley is quoted saying, “Whhaatt? 10lbs of cocaineee?” Just over a month ago, Owlsley caught fire when anti-semitc tweets surfaced.
The now disgraced mascot faces multiple charges of narcotics possession, the sum of which could equal many, many years in prison. He seeks redemption with his twitter followers, however, posting a screenshot of his notes app that read:
“Owls up. That meant something to me once. But the owl’s down, he’s really, REALLY down. Feathers have been ruffled, but my feathers are scarred. Please, for those who still care, I love you, and for those that don’t, I love you too, Owlsley.”