Student Disappointed Black Friday Isn’t Bloodbath It Used to Be

Boca Raton student Michael Brisson wistfully took off his brass knuckles and extinguished his flaming arrows Friday morning when he realized that Black Friday is no longer the bloodbath it used to be. Brisson had been camped out in front Best Buy all week doing push ups, practicing his aim, and sharpening his blades without realizing that the line was miles shorter than it had been in past years. It wasn’t until he got into the store that he noticed things were off. “Instead of the open brawl I used to jump into the moment the doors opened, I was invited into a civil store with little to no pushing,” Brisson said. “I couldn’t help but feel empty. If I’m not slipping around in the blood of my rival shoppers, then what’s the point?” 40-inch flat screen in one hand and 15-inch machete in the other, Brisson did not have to swing his blade at a single human, although he did behead a mannequin to get to the wireless headphones it was modeling. “Personally, I blame Cyber Monday. Kids just don’t want to come out and snap their enemies’ spines like they used to. It’s all the damned technology.” Brisson was last seen taking off his hockey mask and chainmail, complaining to passers-by about how our society has forgotten the true meaning of the holiday season.