Mid-Semester Mental Breakdowns Just Not How They Used to Be

Sunday evening, Sophomore Pre-Med student Scott Orthol came to a realization while banging his head against his desk: he was having yet another mental breakdown. This was the ninth breakdown Orthol has had since Spring Break, and it “almost completely” has to do with the fact that he can’t believe the semester isn’t over yet.

As he later told reporters, “I was having the mental breakdown, but I wasn’t really into it, you know? It’s all the same old same old at this point. I’m kinda over it?”

With his eyesight blurring the words in his textbook last night, Orthol went for a quick drive to the nearest liquor store, where the cashier reportedly said, “Again? Seriously?” Orthol responded to this by nervously giggling and taking the handle of vodka back to his dorm. But even the cashier noted that the giggle wasn’t imbued with the same mindless fear that it used to have.

Orthol stayed up all night, drinking, crying, and making a booty call that he wouldn’t even regret in the morning. “I knew I should have regretted it,” he said, “but it was a little ‘been there, done that, already got the diseases and whatever.’”

This morning he had an appointment with his therapist, who sort of just rolled her eyes and gave him a lot of judging looks.

“I miss the novelty of my old mental breakdowns,” Orthol said. “What else can make me feel that same level of pain?” Orthol is considering cocaine or calling his Jewish mother, but he is reportedly open to other suggestions.