Witness testimonies around FAU report that a pack of stocking-stuffing students took Christmas Break 2k16 too far and have irreversibly broken Christmas. Christmas is currently in shock and is awaiting treatment for depression and PTSD.
Our story begins immediately after finals ended on December 14th when a small group of ugly sweater wearing students followed their festive leader, who was dressed as a Santa Claus with a menorah headpiece, to the Starbucks in the Breezeway. Reports from the baristas claim that the seasonal students ordered 97 venti sized holiday drinks and 236 gingerbread cookies before even entering the shop. The group’s leader Branson Lindo yelled “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” aggressively at surrounding students as his pack of holly jolly followers threw tinsel and paper snowflakes in the guests’ eyes. The students reportedly drew pentagrams on their cups while singing horrendously out of tune Christmas carols, and nary a single gingerbread limb was left on any of those 236 joyless gingerbread bodies.
But the night was young, and so were these festive, fruitcake-eating fools. They blazed through the rest of campus leaving trails of Christmas lights and Elf on the Shelf dolls in their wake. Student bystanders seemed disturbed by the amount of festivities going on around them. “I just wanted to worship Ebenezer Scrooge and The Grinch this holiday. But instead I keep finding elves on my shelves and seeing mensches on benches,” said a traumatized student who refused to release her name out of fear that more holiday-themed objects would appear around her dorm. “I’m scared to even go outside — I hear they started summoning magical snowmen who pour eggnog down innocent students’ throats.”
University spokespeople encourage all students to retain their spirit of goodwill after these terrifying events and advise that students avoid going anywhere that remotely references the yuletide season. “At this point, we have to stay strong and hope for a Christmas miracle,” read one official statement. “Just hope these merry monsters aren’t a harbinger of the looming apocalypse.”