Study: Longboarders Enjoy Eating Shit for Breakfast

A new study conducted by FAU Student Health Services indicates that longboarders both enjoy and crave eating shit on the Breezeway concrete on a daily basis.

Sophomore student Brian Mitchell, for example, wakes up in the morning, leaves his dorm room with a cup of Folgers and his longboard in hand, heads straight for an uneven crevice of the Breezeway, and faceplants directly into the concrete. “Nothing can beat waking up and busting ass,” Mitchel stated. Mitchell, an “undeclared” student at FAU, has been skating for precisely 2 months and can be seen at the South end of the Breezeway in the exact same Thrasher t-shirt every single morning at 7:30 A.M.

Longboarders, according to the study, actually become better adapted to their self image after being projected into the ground. Much like pondering bad life decisions while in the shower, these faceplants impart a perspective of self hatred that will last the entire day, thus removing any overly-prideful feelings and clearing the mind. “One time I was running extra late and couldn’t get my morning shit-eating in,” said Mitchell. “I completely forgot how much I hated myself and couldn’t focus at all in ENC 1102.”

In order to keep students safe while eating shit and busting ass, FAU Student Health Services released some tips to help you enjoy your sunrise tumble:

  • Take care of yourself. A few bumps and bruises won’t hurt, but nobody wants to pick pieces of your brain off the Breezeway. In addition, we’re pretty sure intentional skateboard injury does not fall within the parameters of your mom’s insurance coverage.
  • Overreact and get up quickly while screaming, “Fuck!” Look for a nonexistent rock so bystanders think you fell because of nature and not your own incompetence.
  • Obtain a new Thrasher or Obey shirt. While your current shirt is probably still fresh from the package, blood doesn’t really suit the shirt well.
  • Leave the scene immediately. This way you keep some of your dignity before someone asks if you’re okay, which usually happens after launching yourself into the pavement. Everyone falls — only those who get up and deny falling end up moving forward

The discovery of busting ass for recreation may be a tremendous victory for FAU Student Health Services, but the search for why longboarders are constantly late to class still remains. However, the report did also reveal that if you own a penny board or any neon skateboard, there’s a 96% chance that you’re literally twelve.