FAU’s therapy-certified golden retriever Kol found himself in a dark place yesterday, after listening to students complain all week about their exams. To help him through this dark time, FAU hired a second, better therapy-certified golden retriever similar to his “old, better self.” The hope is that this will soothe his pain.
According to multiple sources close to the retriever, Kol is just exhausted from an overflow of “negative vibes.” Biology major Kim Hutchens told Hoot reporters, “I went in to hug him after complaining about my Microbiology exam for an hour. I could always rely on him, but he looked sort of weird – there was something mean in his eyes. He told me to get a life and stop being such a nerd. He then barked a string of profanities. It really didn’t make me feel any better.”
At press time, Kol said, “Every single student on this campus is an ingrate. Boo hoo. You’re worried about ink on a page? Well guess what, a**holes. There are bigger problems in this world. You know my dog wife is slinging meth these days? I got problems, too. But nobody wants to ask about that, no siree.”
Kol’s guardian knew that the time had finally come for Kol to get a therapy dog of his own when she heard him muttering under his breath “stupid hairless apes” Tuesday morning, after listening to a freshman whine about his ENC 1101 two-page paper on the origins of Facebook. “When I heard that, I realized Kol had been carrying student burdens on his golden coat for far too long. He needs more than a break – he also needs a friend,” she told reporters.
Kol’s fluffy new friend Bobo has said he is “super super excited” to have a master whose burdens he can carry. “I have a certificate in listening. I think I can handle this,” Bobo reportedly said. In just one day, the results of Bobo’s magic have been showing, and Kol is said to have smiled at exactly 8:08AM on Wednesday morning.
Kol and Bobo will be spending their winter break in Denmark, where the language barrier protects the animals from absorbing human stress.