On Friday morning, tens of thousands of Jews from around the world made the pilgrimage to Boca Raton in order to celebrate eight nights of sinful indecency at “Budweiser Presents: Hanukkah Fest 5777!!!” The 27th annual festival is planned to kick off on Saturday night, where the lighting of the menorah’s first candle will signal the start of a 7 hour orgy. This orgy will be accompanied by a Barry Manilow concert, a tradition dating back thousands of years.
Although the festival has yet to begin, many have been participating in some pre-festival debauchery. “I’m on my third bottle of Manischewitz, I just lost a game of strip-dreidel, and I’ve never felt this close to G-d,” said Rabbi Hershel Rabin between bites of a pot-laced latke. “There’s just something special about everyone coming together to get fucked up.”
At press time, record numbers of Boca Raton citizens had evacuated, complaining about the distinct and all too familiar smell of kosher Bud Light Lime combined with smoked salmon and sex. With the soon to be lit atmosphere, many are reportedly wondering if any Bar or Bat Mitzvah will ever be worth attending again.