By Carrie Burgendorf
As a woman, I should be able to partake in a solid game of flip cup while also being complimented for my ability to write a compelling thesis. In this interest and after several parties, many next-day trips to the gynecologist, and making numerous unsolicited comments to my fellow party-goers on various feminist issues, I have devised a fool-proof list to help any girl enjoy a frat party while appearing to be a hard-core feminist.
Tip #1 Walk in topless.
One of the biggest problems I have with frat parties is the fact that all frat men objectify women. Hear me, Greal Girls, when you’re at a frat party, guys will be looking at you as if you are a sexual object, or worse: paying more attention to the girls who are wearing less than you. My advice? Be one step ahead of those dumb bitches and show up topless. Not only will everyone listen to you when you speak about Lena Dunham or bra-burning, but you can beat those horndogs at their own game by showing them that you are a strong, independent woman who isn’t interested in objectifying herself with some skimpy top! If anyone calls you on it, tell them to avert their eyes, and say that you’re just being you.
Tip #2 When in doubt, emulate another feminist.
Right now, one of the biggest feminists I can think of is the formidable Taylor Swift. Her newest uber-feminist music video “Bad Blood,” in which she uses a bunch of female supermodels to promote a body-positive message while also ganging up on another female, is clearly inspiring. No one pulls a feminine punch like T-Swizz, but obviously you can’t emulate her by making a music video. Instead, act like Miss Swizz and just do whatever the hell you want, then SOMEHOW relate it back to feminism. You can deflect any haters’ questions by calmly explaining to them that you’re a feminist BECAUSE you showed up wearing only lingerie, and not in spite of it. In addition to walking in topless, as soon as a guy starts talking to you because you’re topless, say things like, “Oh I’m actually super awkward,” or, “I just want my work to be valued like any man’s,” or, my favorite, “Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods?” T-Swiffer Wet Jet knows how to command a room, so acting like her can’t be wrong.
Tip #3 Tell everyone about the trail Barbara Walters blazed for you.
Anyone who has ever been forced to sit through a “Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People” Christmas Special knows that Barbara Walters didn’t just blaze the path for women — she created it. And everyone knows this because she mentions it several times before introducing each of her guests. It can be hard to bring up the term “trail blazing” at a frat party without people ignoring the word “trail” and focusing on the “blazing,” but luckily for you, Barbara Walters is as interesting as the people on her list! So at your next party, take a moment to turn to the guy next to you wearing a tanktop and a backwards hat to broach the topic of that cool lady with a brooch.
Tip #4 Talk incessantly about Frida Kahlo’s sexual exploits.
As a feminist, you most likely have a gold mine of facts about Frida Kahlo up your sleeve. So, whenever the moment strikes, use it. Trust me, nothing turns a guy on like hearing about the adventurous bisexual that was Frida Kahlo. Look deep into that frat bro’s eyes and whisper sweet nothings about Frida Kahlo’s fling with Georgia O’Keefe. If things start getting frisky, sneak him away to a bedroom to recite from memory some of the letters they sent each other.
Tip #5 Make everyone at the party share this article.
Nothing shows that you’re comfortable with your feminist point of view better than showing that you know you have even more room to grow. So, show people this article and several of your self-help books, and tell them that “we never stop learning how to be a woman.”
Greal Talk by Carrie Burgendorf is your one-stop source for real monthly tips for real girls really living.